i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
