After last night, I could never be a politician.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
