ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
