Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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