who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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