Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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