Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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