I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
We are all done wearing pants today
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
