Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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