They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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