Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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