Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
