Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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