smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
