the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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