took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
