I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
