Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
