So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
