Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
