he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
