apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
