My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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