Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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