Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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