I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
