I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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