I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
