3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
