I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
