M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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