Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Randomize
