never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
