He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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