Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
