Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
