She is in my trunk
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
