He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Do vagina's smell?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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