She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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