I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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