Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
