There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
And the cops told us we were all naked.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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