I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
