i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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