Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
