I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
