We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Less talking, more tequila
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The power of my boobs compel you
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
