Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
