I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
