I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
